I no longer know what to do. I'm stuck, and it is not a good feeling.
-sighs- Time to figure things out one step at a time.
~c
- Location:hiding in ze bedroom
- Mood:
exhausted - Music:The Black Eyed Peas - i gotta feeling
I don't know how I am going to handle this... I don't know how I have been dealing with this. It's been a difficult run. I've been giving them a run for my money. Rather theirs. Doing things to get out of the house, hanging out with my ex girlfriend. Ya know? Things that make me feel safe. And even though my ex literally broke my heart. My soul is broken now. And I think that she can help me out. Along with you all, and my counselors. It's going to be a long ass run. And I'm going to do it by any means possible. I've got to heal. I've done it before. Kinda. I mean I've never fully gotten over the past. But I've moved forward from it. And that is a start of sorts? Right?
I've not been able to sleep. Honestly I've been scared to sleep in that house. I'd rather sleep out in the freezing frigging cold than sleep in that house where IT happened AGAIN! And I had my pain management doctor change my sleep meds and my pain meds. If only because the pains been getting worse. And even though I'm not on narcotics, I'm still on some pretty strong NSAIDS. That and a couple of abortives. You can understand why the pain is getting worse right? Stress of living underneath that roof and stress in general of life of living with the aftermath of this happening.
Nothing is working though. I'm just afraid for my well being. And I need.... NEED to get out of that HOUSE. Have no where to go though. Maybe things will calm down soon enough.
Things changed for January. On the 31st of December, I'm having a nerve burned in my lower back, and then following that 10 days later... I'm having the other side of my back done with the same thing done. To try to get rid of my spinal pain. We might have to do the same thing with my upper neck pain. But things are iffy with that. We have to wait and see with how things go with the first two procedures. This could also mean that it could help my migraines. In an odd sort of way... don't know if it will... but yea.... SO that means I've got to wait for Arkansas. At least for a month. Sherry is going to be disappointed in that. But she didn't and won't know about the chronic pain in my back and neck. By all means she should. But I've got enough problems with my health. I don't want her to think that I am not 'fit' to go when I deem my self ready to go. Because I am going to MAKE myself ready to go. Even if I am not. Even if I am still in pain. Even if I've got to go through hell, I AM STILL FRIGGING GOING TO GO WHEN I DEEM MYSELF READY!!!!
I've got to get out of here. Even if it means lying, to my DARS counselor.... Suson (my life counselor) can read me well enough to know that something is off about me when I am trying to tell her something different.
It's just how it goes I suppose.
But thanks to all of you for your kind words and support. I seriously need it. And yea. Just thanks. -hugs-
Done with my ranting/venting/talking/whatever. Lataz.
~c
- Location:hell.
- Mood:
cynical - Music:Rush over me--- Backstreet Boys
I'm scared to sleep at night. I'm scared to be around the bastard. I'm scared period.
I'm used to be the strong one. Not this weak person/thing.
I intend to come out strong(er), to be able to tell my story to those who have been battered and raped and molested by those they love(d) to help them heal and move forward. That is what I need to be able to do. I AM A FRIGGING SURVIVOR! THIS is NOT going to BREAK ME!!!!!
It's just going to take time to get moving forward. January 1st hits? The phone calls start. Well maybe on the 3rd of 4th? Because I think that is when my DARS counselor gets back into the office. BUT!! That is when I intend on going back to Arkansas, to get my back to Lion's World-- school for the Blind. -- . And redo everything that I messed up the first time around this past time I went. And this time I am not going to mess up. Because with this next doctors appointment that I am going to with my neuro? Normal me. No migraines. Just me, not a damn thing is going to be wrong. Even if I've got to lie to get out of here? I'm doing it. Yes my migraines have been hell and every day ever since I've found out about the biopsy and the swollen lymphnodes in my mother. But if I want to get out of this hell? I'm going to do so by any means possible. Even if that means moving to Arkansas to do my schooling, and move forward to get a job. It's what I've got to do to heal. EVEN IF it is indeed torture on my head, neck and back (where my chronic pain is located, but I mainly deal with migraines). I'm going to do whatever it takes to get out of here in January. And move my kitten to a friend of mines house. Where she shall be well taken care of and not have to deal with 5 other cats. If all goes according to my plan. Arkansas will help me heal over this situation, not to mention move forward with my life. And I shall find a temp home for my kitten.
Even if it is hell on my head. And I've got to lie to get there? I'm going to do it. I've got to, for my sanity, and my life, and my safety.
You know it. I know it. And it just has to be done.
There will be no more failing. And this has to be done.
That is that.
~c
- Location:hell.
- Mood:
stressed but feeling strong - Music:The Black Eyed Peas - i gotta feeling
I feel like I can just fall apart at any given time. I'm having to put on a mask in front of my mother, because I can't, CAN'T let her know that her HUSBAND did what he did to me AGAIN for the 17th time in 10 years. Granted I was not living in the house from the ages of 18-21.... but up until now? Right before I turned 22? I ended up having to move back into this hell hole.... and This whole thing is just killing me.
I've got you guys. A great counselor. And that's it. No social life. None. Zip. nada.
THIS IS KILLING ME ON THE INSIDE!!!!!
I don't have a clue how I got through this in the past... let alone this same time last year by my ex before Dot.
He's my FATHER! He's supposed to love and care for me. Not do THAT!
Think Celeste. Karma... they shall get what they deserve. They will. In due time they will get it. And you will rise to the top. They'll be nothing but ghosts of the past. And nothing more than that.
That is what I am going to keep thinking. Just keep moving forward.
I can do this. I will do this. Despite the pain, the shit that I am going through now, and everything else I could ramble off? I will rise above this.
To this I swear. I am better then them. I will not let them bring me down. No. I will not let them break me, not like they've tried to do in the past. I am a survivor. I've been through worse... and I can survive this. I will, no matter what.
Done being crazy... sorry.
~c
- Location:hell.
- Mood:
crushed - Music:Backstreet Boys - Lose It All
A- no cosigner
B- I have a cat, and I'm not leaving her here. So if she stays. I stay. Its that simple. I don't care if it hurts to stay here until I can get a job... I'm going to figure it out as each day passes. I'm a survivor. And damn it, this isn't going to phase me. I've been through this before, I can deal with this again. Its not the first and it probably won't be the last, and that is probably the saddest part of all. The fact that I am not willing to turn them in, or the fact that I am just willing to put up with it.
Pathetic aren't I not? my parents are suffering in their own special way. And damnit karma is a bitch, and they shall get what is coming for them when the time is right for all that they've done. It's called their health is going down hill, and they deserve it. The only one that I care for is my mother, because she feels sorry for what she put me through on most days. But my father? He'd put me through hell and back if he could. And most days he does.
But their with their health? That is their suffering. And they are getting what is coming for them. Karma is a bitch and they'll get what is coming for them. When they want to apologize? I'll be ready and waiting, but they can't take away the mental and physical scars that they've left on my body mind and soul. They are the ones who have to live with them selves with what they've to their now only child. (my brother committed suicide last year).
Obviously they can live with it. But karma? Karma isn't letting them. That is what I think.
I'll be fine. Like I said, I've lived through this most my GD life. It's been hell, I'm not going to break. I'm going to let this make me stronger. I've been through worse.... Mainly because of my parents when I was younger. But now that I am back here? Its like I am reliving it all over again... with out my mothers part in this torture. I am in hell. But I shall walk out victorious.
That much I do know.
They don't know Karma's nick name... and that is Karma=bitch.
Sorry this turned into a long ramble.... I just know that I will come out of this stronger and victorious. Even if it hurts. Its just another scar to add to my collection.
And I think I'm going to post this as an actual post.
But yea. Thanks for being here for me. ALL of you. YOU ALL are MY MAIN support in this life I can hell.
I thank you SO SO much for supporting me with your kind words, and hugs. You always seem to know when I need them the most.
Done now.
~c
- Location:hell.
- Mood:
gloomy - Music:The Black Eyed Peas - out of my head
Mom is healing nicely. If only she wouldn't do what she is used to doing around the house, and then she would heal even faster. Still no word on what is happening with the results with the biopsy.
My head has been killing me... but what is new there? Things around here have been stressing me to the max.. and with what just happened between my father and I? It's going to be a long time before I am myself again. Because IT happened again. And I am not happy about that... who would be. If you can figure out that statement. Props to you. I need to get out of here before I get seriously hurt. Both mentally and physically... but oh wait? That already has happened. -sighs-
And I wonder why my head is killing me. Me trying to take care of mom, and avoiding my father. He acts like he didn't do a damn thing wrong. And we both know he did. I just want to get out. Like yesterday. Not a soul wants me to live with them though. And I'm alone. Don't matter though. I'm strong enough to deal with this again. So no worries. It's not like this hasn't happened before. It's just been a while. They won't be the ones to break me. To this I swear.
Done now. Sorry for the angst fest.
~c
- Location:hell.
- Mood: frustrated
- Music:Backstreet Boys - I Still...
But the way the ER treated me? Utter shit. They didn't even dilute the medications that they shot up into my veins. WHICH IS SOMETHING THAT THEY SHOULD DO SO THAT I DON'T GO INTO SHOCK! My arm around that vein where I had the IV in is swollen and I wouldn't be surprised if the vein is blown. Bastards are going to be hearing from me. Especially since I needed them to remove a mole or something like that off my back to get that from not hurting and they wouldn't even look at that. Grr just grr.
Needless to say. The migraine is back. I get treated like an drug seeker because I was there last week. And I don't plan on going back unless I'm like dead or something.
This is bull shit. But I know something needs to happen with my sleeping patterns. And it needs to happen soon. Other wise I'm not going to be able to help my mom.
Who's biopsy yesterday went well yesterday.. and they THINK it is all clear... no cancer or anything along those lines. But they won't know for sure until the results come back. So now its the waiting game. And I am doing my best to be here for her and not go crazy at the same time.
You know me though. I'm indeed crazy, and in a hell of a ton of pain. Is going crazy from lack of sleep and being in a ton of pain possible? Just a thought... certainly hope it doesn't happen.
Done whining. I'll keep you updated. Lataz.
~c
- Location:hell.
- Mood: angry
- Music:The Black Eyed Peas - out of my head
she still holds my heart, and every time that I see her... she just steps on it. She doesn't see what is bloody well in front of her, and how I've changed. I suppose it doesn't matter. She's happy with her fucking fuck buddy. So it doesn't matter. I don't matter. -sighs- I'm doomed to be alone for the rest of my life. I truly am.
~c
- Location:a house called hell in hell
- Mood: sad
- Music:The Black Eyed Peas - i gotta feeling
I've decided to stay home because of me going to the ER yesterday. And I am just not up to going. I mean 2mg of diloted and 50mg of thorozine just to TRY to help me sleep AND get rid of the pain, yea major wipe out emotional and physically.
The hospital treated me like I was an addict. So it's going to be a while before I go back, BARSARDS! it was like one minute they said I could take a taxi home, the next I had to bug someone to bring me home.
Just pisses me off is all.
Not to mention I still didn't end up sleeping, AND THE FUCKING MIGRAINE IS FUCKING BACK!
-sighs- So goes my life.
~c
- Location:a house called hell in hell
- Mood: bitchy
- Music:The Black Eyed Peas - one tribe
I wish that I could change for her. Because I do love her, but I don't believe I should change who and what I am to suit her emotional needs. Maybe someday I'll be stable again, and she can understand me and my inner darkness. Which is something that is part of the me package. Yea.. maybe she'll understand me better someday.
One of the days though? With the way my parents are treating me. And I feel so gods damned alone? I'm going to fall off the face of Plano, and not a soul is going to be able to find me. Not a frigging soul, unless I tell them other wise. You guys will be lucky. But the only other one that shall know is Dot. But you'll know... oh yes. You'll know.
And that is that.
Done now. Lataz.
~c
"you'll wake and find me gone"
- Location:Starbucks w/Dot.
- Mood:
blah - Music:The Black Eyed Peas - meet me halfway
The first thing I had done is/was retaliate against my parents for abusing me for all these years, which just makes thing worse on me. What happened was my mother has been treating me rather shitty ever since she got home from CT. And I am sick of it, with me withdrawing from Cymbalta AND Risperadal all at the same bloody time? I feel just absolutely crazy on the inside... I'm hoping that this mental phase will pass soon enough, at least soon enough to where I can function again with just those meds that I am on again. *being Welbutrin XL, and ambilify*
I just haven't been manic in over a year.. Anxiety shoots to where I can't function, not to even mention my chronic pain issues.. And it is SOOOOO not fun!!!!
Especially when mom and I are fighting... because I can't hold words and temper back. I just don't hold back and let her have it, normally we are pretty cool. But as of now? Nope.
Done whining.
~c
- Location:a house called hell.
- Mood:
crazy - Music:Sia - Breathe Me
I'm sick of her, her attitude, and the way that she is treating me.
Guess its the ways of me being the only kid left of this family of which is falling apart. Guess that is how it goes when you have abusers for parents. I hate it. with a cold hard icy passion. One that would just knock the wind right out of you.
She isn't allowing me to take care of me and my health needs. There fore I am falling apart at the seems, I really need to get out of this hell house. I really truly do.
I'm sorry. It is just the SSDD. And I constantly whine about it.
Goddess I need to find a life. And soon. Before I find myself in a psych ward. for my own stupidity.... which won't happen now.. but damn can I feel a stupid moment coming on.
Done now.
~c
- Location:a house called hell.
- Mood:
sick - Music:Backstreet Boys - The Call
1. they stole my $500 deposit. And I AM STILL FRIGGING FIGHTING TO GET IT BACK!
2. they wouldn't compromise to get the upgrade for me to stay.
It was just one big mess. Needless to say I am switching. And yea. I'm just sick of it.
So goodbye AT&T. U suck.
no love.
~c
- Location:hell.
- Mood: cynical
- Music:Backstreet Boys - Weird World
anyhow.
Well it looks like I'm going to be getting a secondary insurance that is another medicare... but I don't have to pay for anything because I've got both medicare and medicaid. So I guess its a third insurance? I really don't know what to call it. But it will help me out TONS! and even though I'll have to revamp my whole doctor regimen, I'm willing to do so because there will be no co-pay. But ya know... maybe I can keep my neuro (whom is super awesome!) and pay the co-pay. I don't know what I am going to do about that yet, but It looks like I am going to have to revamp my whole doctor regimen. Because of the insurance not making pay any sort of copays. Mom's helping me decide which of the free ones to choose, because they all sound so good to me. But yea. I'm still so new to the insurance scene. I'm having trouble which one would suit me best. But it help that I've got my mother to help, and it helps that they are free. SO yea. Yay!
It's my mom's B-day today. And it's Black Friday. SO we don't know what we are going to be doing yet. But she has lunch with a friend soon, and then after that I've got her to myself, so we'll decide what we're gonna do today then/after she gets home. But she turns 46 today, and Happy B-day Mommy!. you may be a bitch sometimes. But I still <3 ya!
I've sold my netbook with AT&T netbook, so that I can get a netbook with Verizon in December. Hopefully Verizon will treat me better than AT&T did the last couple of months when I was with them... because seriously? They pissed me off. But ya know? Shit happens, and life moves on. I may not very easily. But I get a better netbook. So I am going to try to do my best to be happy. Even though my life is not a happy thing to be living right now.
But that is all that I know right now. I just want the holidays to be over. I want my mothers biopsy to be over and things to come out negative. I want my life to be good again. And I don't think that is going to happen for a while yet. -sighs- So goes my life. Migraines are back to being bad too, but I'm dealing with them the best that I can. And that is all I can do.
Done whining. Lataz. Happy Black Friday!
~c
- Location:Where am I? Hell? ;)
- Mood: cynical
- Music:Backstreet Boys - Just Want You To Know
I can't leave my mother behind though because of her biopsy. I need to know what is going to happen with that. And then possibly after that I can leave. But I don't know where I would go. I've got no where to go. Like I said not a soul wants me. And I can't afford living on my own. Don't have enough money, not until maybe next year... and even then I'd need a cosigner. -sighs- I just need to get out. And it is not going to happen any time soon.
Why does my life have to suck? I mean things were going good for a while... mostly. I may have a chance after the first of the year to go back to Arkansas. If I get a good report from my neurologist saying that I can. Because my migraines are 'kinda' under control. Only when I over medicate. And take the medications that I am on, on time and shit. I mean like when things get really bad. I take a maxalt. Or a lodine xl (an NSAID). That's the most that I've had to do, other than that one time that I've had to go to the ER a couple of days..err, maybe a week ago. When I was super stressed about my mothers health and shit. It's just been crazy. But I've got them under control for the most part. And I am hoping to get a clean bill of health so I can go redo my month evaluation so that I can start my computer programing certification in August of 2010. Hopefully it shall work out in my favor. And I know that I'll have to redo most everything that I'd done. But I'm willing to do so so that I can say 'hey? lookie here at me. I'm willing to do this right this time. Just watch me damn it.'. Ya know. And I'm hoping it shall work out in my favor.
But who knows what will happen between now and then. Because with my life? Anything can damn well happen. And we all know it. (for those who have been following and reading and whatever). Because like I said, anything can happen. And I know it. I'm a cursed person. And I've got horrible luck. When ever something goes wrong, it stays that way for like ever. And I'm hoping my luck changes sooner rather than later. Because my health is ever since I've been put back on my medications. (which was like 3 days ago. And that is not counting my migraines... that is my mental state. Shit is going down... but I'm dealing with it quite well. If that make any sense).
But yea. What ever happens, happens. And I'm going to handle it. But I just hope what ever does indeed happen is good news. For once in my life.... please just let something be good news.
Done rambling. Lataz. (and have a good rest of a turkey day! -hugs to all!-)
~c
- Location:outside smoking in hell
- Mood: restless
- Music:Daft Punk - Aerodynamic
Secondly, Well it looks like my great idea for my mother's present.... that CD player for CD books? Yea that one. Well now she is looking into the kindle by amazon... and it kind of pisses me off. I did a frigging ton of research for that CD player for her. And now she wants a kindle? I mean I know that thing does EVERYTHING. probably even dances. -sighs- I just thought that she wouldn't be able to see one. And then she saw one yesterday... and she was able to see it... which was amazing in itself. But I thought I did something good for her. And now she wants the kindle? It just hurts. I just thought I was thinking on my feet, and now she is going to be getting the kindle, and shazam. My present is second rate shit. -sighs- So goes my life.... especially when I am trying to do something good for her.
I just don't know what to do about this. Whether to return the present that I got her so that she can enjoy the kindle. Or what? grr. Just grr.
I just wanted to do something nice for her... and then she gets something better.
Oh well. Happy frigging turkey day to me. Nothing to be thankful for over here. Just one shit-tastic life.
~c
- Location:hell.
- Mood: cranky
- Music:Atmosphere - National Disgrace
I think not. I told her no. And that it wasn't going to happen with me at least.
I hate the fact that they think that they think that they can just rule my life. I FUCKING HATE IT!!!! IT PISSES ME OFF! A. LOT.
It's not right nor is it fair that they think that they think that they can do so when I am frigging 22. Nope. I. Think. Not.
No. Longer. Is. It. Going. To. Happen. To. Me.
The puppet strings were cut a LONG time ago. It's time they learn it so.
Goddess I'm pissed.
Happy fucking holidays, no <3 to you family. Goddess I wish I were miles away from you.
~c
- Location:hiding in ze bedroom
- Mood: pessimistic
- Music:Alanis Morissette - You Learn
But ya know..? I don't know anymore. I got my medications earlier but wasn't able to get them filled. So I've got to wait until late today. Which means the morning meds wait until the next day. Sucks, but I've got them.
I'm just feeling so gods damned lost. I know why, but I don't. I want out of my parents house. NOW. I can't express more than that. My poor kitten is suffering too. -sighs- and it shouldn't be like that.
but there is nothing that I can do about it.
-sighs-
I just want out.
done now
~c
Basically I've been fighting for my deposit back that I should have gotten back in '07. But because of all the number changes that I've had, it's been difficult to find my records. BUT! Because I've never changed my account number, and because I've never been shut down as number shut off. I SHOULD be getting back the money. There has been other stuff that has been going on with them. Like them sucking money out of wrong accounts, and over charging me, then them giving me credits for the next bill. But I'm still not happy with them. And in the... -counts years that I've been with them- four years that I've been with them? Nothing like this has EVER happened. Nothing, nada, zip. I've always ALWAYS been satisfied. Up until now. And I'm thinking about switching to verizon wireless. More features for less money. Plus the phone has soft ware that talks and stuff for free. Not to mention some other stuff.
SO basically I'm thinking about switching.
But in other news. I am stressing about pretty much everything going on in my life. Things have been hectic. And my mother had her pre-op today. Her operation should take up to an hour and a half. And that in itself is freaking me out. I don't like that one bit. And the fact that something could turn up as cancer is freaking me out even more. I hate the fact that all this shit is going down. There is more... but I'll wait to tell another day... because most of it deals with my father. And I'm at my Psych Doctor office, and I'd rather not them pick up on what I am typing out.
It's just so fucking crazy. And I am sick of crazy. I just want things to calm down for once. And I don't think that is going to happen any time soon.
Done whining.
~c
- Location:hell.
- Mood:
thoughtful - Music:daft punk--- digital love
It's wearing me down. Heath, mental, and physically.... I just can't do this anymore.
-sighs- I've got no choice. I've just got no choice. I'm stuck here... quite literally.
~c
- Location:hiding in ze bedroom
- Mood: cynical
- Music:Bana - Half Pain
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celestialxrose- Celeste Rose
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