THE BITCH IS BACK.... BEING MY MOTHER.
The fun and good days were good while they lasted.
I thought I was in hell then? Oh... Well now I'm in a big fucking surprise. Goodie
~c

Both my parents have agreed to co-sign for me a student loan for when the time comes when I am accepted and it is time to start school. I'm just hoping for the very best in that case, and just hoping that they don't change their minds. With my mother on my side though? I think it shall not be changing. She wants my dreams to be followed and me to get started with what I wish to do with my life- as long as it shall make me happy? She's happy these days. Something seriously changed in her, besides the money whore that is constantly hounding me for her money that I am hoarding. She'll get one big bulk check. And then I'll be finished with her- money and debt wise.
Then I'll have other things to worry about. School for one. I'm just hoping this school thing comes to pass. I am SO super tired of doing nothing because of my pain that it just bugs me. I know that it shall be a difficult road to take. But difficult I can handle. And I'm ready for it. I'm ready to conquer it. I'm ready for anything and anyone who may stand in my way because of my health issues or blindness. I'm just ready. And fuck them if they give me attitude. I've certainly got one hell of an attitude myself.  Especially now that I've realized so many frigging things about myself and what I can do. Within limits and within what I can do when I'm in the amount of pain that I am in. I'm not pushing myself to breaking point. I'm just going to the point of which my body say 'hay don't do that no more, rest bitch!'. -giggles- It's kinda funny what my mind says to me sometimes. Not that I'm crazy or anything, its just an interesting thing what I think to myself when I know that I am pushing myself too hard. And I'd think something funny to make myself relax and smile. Just something new that I've come up with to relax myself and to stop what I am doing to take a break for a while.
I know what I want to do is in computers. And with my vision and whatnot being pretty much non existent? There is software that can indeed help me out. I just bought zoomtext on USB yesterday via payment plan so that I can just have a magnifier and reader at my very finger tips for both computer that I own. And it should be here in 3-5 days. What a god send that shall be for me. It shall help me listen when I need to rest my eyes when I've got an uber migraine, and just rest my eye period when I get tired. It's just going to be a god send for me for I've not had an actual honest to goddess product that I've bought myself without the help of DARS. And I'm ditching their dead asses because of the way that they are treating me and my case. I don't care if it would help my budget, I don't care if it would get me free schooling.... they treat me like I am a pathetic loser who can't think for herself because of her health conditions and past. And I can't do anything to change their minds because its what is set in their heads. IDK though. Fuck them. I'm going to succeed get my degree! And fax it to them with a letter saying fuck you for not believing in me. And then signing my name. Not giving them the time of day after I get accepted and get ready for classes. I know that this shall happen. I can just feel it in my gut.
I'm not going to flake out this time. I want this. I want to conquer my dreams. And this going back to a type of college-- this being a tech college-- is one of them. And damn it! I am going to do it, fucking conquer said dream and get my life started. Next week is d-day. And that is the decision making time. Trust me on this one thing. I'm going to do this. And as always live for me. Dream for me, and give people attitude who don't understand me or my situation. Fuck 'em. Going to conquer my bubble. And it starts soon.... oh so very soon. This time- not a bloody thing is stopping me. Not even myself.

sorry for another pro active ramble for change in my said life.
done now.
~c

All I wished was for one good day. And what I got was a painfully shit one.
Damn did it piss me off that I can't seem to have a decent day- either because of my chronic pain or life in general. I've got plans. I've got dreams. I've got so many things that I wish to conquer. My little bubble perhaps? Who knows. But I still have a frigging ton of things to do, and I want to do them to start my life. Things can't start until I get the money for the lawyer. And that is going to take a while. Some people don't under stand that. Some people are pushing me to do things to get out of this house, and yes I know I need to. But I'd be leaving my mother, though yes she can be a controlling bitch. She and I are like best friends and dealing with the same shit, so we are like best friends. In an odd way, mother/daughter and best friends. Basically she is all I've got right now.

The pain today is out of control. And I wish for it to stop, knowing that it won't. The stress is so and too high. That is out of control. Go figure. I'm just figuring out that I am fucked, I am not ever going to get relief from my chronic pain. I know, have faith... but I've been dealing with all three areas of my chronic pain (neck, back, and the migraines) for 12 years now. And it's sucked majorly. Major understatement of the past 12 years. But I know that I can do what I wish to do now. I know that I can conquer my life and dreams now. I feel not like I've felt before, like I can do things- despite what I am going through, despite the pain, yada yada yada. I know that I am going to always be in pain, and in the end it is going to be the end of me. But ya know something? Right now, this life of mine? Is different from others. People who don't understand will never know/understand what I go through daily.
Damn it. I'm going to not only show you all. I'm going to show my small world- no matter where it is. I'm going to conquer it. And do great things with the many dreams that I wish do do/accomplish.
There shall be hell raised in my world. And I will be living my life for me and no other... (well maybe my many angels).

And I know that I've been talking about this a lot. But I'm just being pro active? I think that is the right word.... or rather taking a shit ton of action to just change my life, something I should have been doing last year. Or started doing last year.
DARS is just being a bunch of fucktards, and are judging me on said past- thing is, is they don't know the worst of it.... nor will they ever. That'd just kill it for me.

Oh well, so done rambling your ears off. I'm sorry about my talking. I can get carried away sometimes. My journal though, so I guess you could just ignore me if you wished? I wish you wouldn't though.
Shutting up.
~c

I'm so very glad that I've got you guys here on LJ to help me out and support me. I don't know what or where I'd be without you. I know that I am not totally alone. The distances may be great. But the WWW keeps us close with just the few clicks of a mouse and a couple hundred different keys to type (if one wishes to ramble as much as I do ^^v). -hugs- Really, thanks to each and every one of you who have friended me, who have phoned or e-mailed me, who just keep in contact period. I thank you for that. Like I said, without you guys and your support? I don't know where I would be. And I don't feel alone, I know I am not alone. No matter if I am alone IRL, I'm not completely because I've got you guys to talk to in some shape or form. Just thanks! -more hugs-
Enough of my mushiness. On to my rambles.

Ya know something though? By the time someone here in Plano notices or wants to talk to me again? I'll be the ghost of their past. One that they wish that they had made amends with, but couldn't because they had their noses stuck up in the air. Hope it is more polluted up there to them, that is what I have to say on that front.
There is so much I wish to tell them though, so much that I wish to tell them that is good. Instead of all the depressed shit that I used to. I know that I am still depressed, and that I use this journal to rant/rave/vent on, on a more than once a day basis. But there is so SO much that I wish that they could know. SO much that I wish to tell them that I've learned and have accomplished. Shit like that. I think that some of them would indeed be proud of me, if they'd see and hear me out. IF. That is a big word, and a big occurrence. Neither of which will happen.
Things have happened yes, during these past couple of weeks that I am not proud of. That I wish that I could take back and do all over again. I'm a chaotic mixer upper kinda gal. I think chaos is attracted to me or something. If I am not chaotic then it doesn't find me as easily. Hard to be chaotic (chaos in a good way is what I am talking about here) these years days since the chronic pain started. But sometimes I still manage to be myself. My hyper, chaotic, take over the world self. Even when I am in pain, I still manage to roll my dead ass out of bed and conquer the sunny world, when I myself seem to be in this cloud of... blurry weirdness that in itself can not be explained. That is why it is so hard to describe me sometimes. Because there is so frigging much to be said, so many shades and colors of layers. One day I can be pink, the next black, the next who knows? I'm unpredictable as any hurricane. Ask anyone? They'd tell ya, at least if they knew me.... or hell even talked to me for an hour or so. Those people could tell you too. Maybe you can/could also call me weird? Or just plain bat shit crazy! -giggles-

I know that I am better off now without everyone (in this hell that is called Plano) who has or had been bringing me down over the past year. Or longer than that depending on the person. It just feels weird without the group or groups that I had been hanging out with since, oh I don't know, middle school. Who knew that they'd grow up into such self centered people that would just continue to put people down who have less than what they do. Like I said, is the air any different with their noses being stuck up so high? Something that I just wonder.
I guess being on said budget, and said SSI, and being said broke for like ever now- has taught me a lot. Not to mention the whole 'I was a drug whore, streets are my thing'- so I have some street smarts under my belt. I can take care of myself after dark in the worst side of Dallas (not to mention I lived there for a year), never under estimate the blind girl with a unfolded cane. (have broken noses with that cane of mine once a person gets within my spider sense as I call it, and I can hear them? Ohh sooo don't mess with me, you want a fight you bugger, and you want to mug ME? hehe, nope, I'm not as pathetic as I look -cackles-.) A lot of those 'adults' that I know of here don't even know what it would be like to live off of said parents money. Because they'd go running back to them after breaking a nail or running out of said money or something, after living off of said own for maybe a week... Oh I'd totally bet money that's how it would go. Still to this DAY (or at least the last time I saw them), that was how the lot of them were. Can't change someone unless they seriously want to, or unless they go through a seriously rough time. Wouldn't wish a rough time on anyone... at least not a rough as a life as I've been dealing with. But what goes around comes around.

What I am getting to. Is even though I've been ranting and raving about them. And I know that I still feel and have felt hurt by them because of the fact that they ditched me.
But I am going to let them go. With the rest of my past.
In order to move forward, I need to let go of my past right? Well let's see if I can do that. And make somewhat of a better/new person of myself. Without thinking of them. Without thinking of the past.
Just the good times. The honest to goddess fun times. None of the bad. dark or twisted.
So mote it be, it shall be done and buried.

Done now.
~c

I'm so sick and fucking tired of the people that I do still talk to seeing the past me. Or wanting to know if I'd pull the stuff that I've done in the past on them. It's bull shit!
Can't they see that I have changed. Not a lot, but enough to get me out of that shitty rut that I was in all those years ago. That damn shitty rut where I was using and abusing drugs- to get them I was prostituting myself out to get said things, and then some. There was one decent guy (or who I thought was decent), that I was seeing and who was taking care of me. But there were also people who I was seeing on a daily basis who were using and abusing me so that I could pay up for said things that I wanted. Not the sex by any means. That is one thing I was never interested in (with those men anyway). Only with the guy that I was seeing who was taking care of me at the time of all this shit. Then the pregnancy happened. I quit every drug (illegal and legal) to help keep my baby healthy. 
Needless to say. Shit happened. I lost my baby due to abuse from the head honcho drug lord. And the rest is in the past. You all know this. Know me, and know that I've changed!

But today. I was explaining what had happened in the past. And how it everything happened. (look above with everything being explained above, and in several post before this one). I was explaining to Russ my past. And you guys know how I see him, he's like the father that I never had. Or rather, should have had because of him being so nice and shit (basically non abusive).
Well after me explaining everything that is going on now in the now (with me having to come up with the lawyer money because OMG my parents are in SOOO much debt! And what not.. -swoons in sarcasm-) and what I wanted him to know of the past that is listed above. , and him making a couple of business calls on the way to pick up Pocky's Ashes. We parked....... -pauses for drama-
HE FLAT OUT ASKS ME IS IF ME TELLING HIM ALL THIS OF THAT OF MY PAST IS MY WAY OF TO GET MONEY OUT OF HIM, BY ME SLEEPING WITH HIM/PROSTITUTING MYSELF TO HIM!!! HELLO??? Eww much! He is like an adoptive father to me, I would NEVER hit on him. NEVER THINK OF HIM LIKE THAT! AND NEVER EVER NEVER EVER NEVER x's a ZILLION BILLION SQUARED, SLEEP WITH ANOTHER MAN AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELLOOOO I AM A LESBIAN!!!!
IS THAT CLEAR TO EVERYONE HERE!?
Gods I hope so.

I am beyond pissed. I am so pissed that I could like scream at him for like a solid straight hour because of him thinking of me so. In such an offending sucky, downgrading, low way. A way that I would never return to. NEVER RETURN TO!! HELLO? I am not fucking fucked up anymore. I am healed in that sense. Health wise? Depression and sometimes mood disorder and PTSD wise? Depends on the day, and what is going on during said day/month/period of time. Yes I am stressed out a lot of the time, but you know what? WHO THE HELL WOULDN'T BE!? -breathes in, and pauses-
I can safely say that after us having such an unique adoptive father/daughter relationship that 'we can just talk about anything with out each other getting offended' type of thing... It's successfully just been chunked out the said window and into the darkest circle of hell where betrayers go!!!!

I can't believe that now I AM completely alone. With not a frigging soul here except my mother, and now four cats (all of which are hers- but they still love on me as I them).  
Maybe I'm better off alone with just my mother, and on line friends. (Not dissing you guys). But that a ways I can't fuck up the in real life aspect of a social life, and be a total bitch in your face type of thing. I tend to push people away IRL, be a super bitch if I feel like you've betrayed me or ditched me for any reason (which most times they DO because of the past of mine that 'they hold over my head' reasons). And the only real person I am fucking over is myself. Because in the end DO end up alone. And not a frigging soul wants to come back to me or help me out because of how snarky/rude/down right bitchy I was to them (in the past. now though the 3 musketeers plus one deserved it). No matter if I was stating the IRL truth about how they were treating me IRL, or how they were not here for me, or whatever. The only person in the end I am fucking over is myself... Because even if they were just asking a question to get their mind set straight (offending/disturbing/nasty/bitchy/innocent/or whatever) or not, I'm always the one that I fuck over. And I am always the one that ends up alone.
Because I am JUST THAT fucked up. Or rather THEY THINK SO.... But I don't. I'm rather stable I think, and have been for some time. No matter though, their loss and not mine. They'll not know what they're missing until I done and gone out of frigging Plano.

Wouldn't talk/post/comment/or hang around this site around me if I were you. I might damage your already innocent or damaged souls (not dissing you... it is how you are looking at yourself so classify yourself into either category and I am not doing that for you). And then you're completely screwed. No. You guys know me, some of you even talk to me on the phone. I'm actually nice, hyper when not in pain, and a down to earth girl. One who just tends to be misunderstood a lot. 
And I can't wait for the day for me to get the fuck out of here. Be it my way or the highways way. I'm going to pull shit off to get my ass the hell out of here. Some how some way. Damn it all. Even if it somehow kills me more than I already am half dead inside? I'm going to beat this damn life of mine back enough so I can survive, live for me, and ignore everyone else's ignorance of my past. Because what they don't know can't hurt them, and it's best that I lay my demons to rest. Other wise I might be fucked in the head for the rest of my fucking life. 

So I choose life. And not the fucking dark, depressed, and twisted route. I choose the straight and fucking narrow- because I like being sober from everything that I WAS doing to myself. It's something that I was doing in the past. And something that I intend on keeping there. 

To the fucking fucktards that think that I am still a fucked up damaged doll? Fuck you. Get over yourselves, and maybe look at your own faults before you look at someone else's. Because what is in the past is just that in the past. And the lot of shit that I did in the past. It's been 17 months for the drugs and drinking. And 2 1/2 to 3 years since the prostitution for said drugs. Before the 17 months? I was damaged then. Hell even fucked up in the head.

Now I have goals, dreams, and I know up from down. Probation cleaned me up a frigging lot. And if you can't understand that? Go the fuck away. And just leave me alone.
Because I wouldn't touch the shit that fucked me up, could fuck my future up, fucked my brother up and ended up killing him, nope never ever again.
I know what I want out of life now. And once I get some things pulled off, that need to be pulled off. (the lawyer getting my record wiped clean for one).... Lets just say I'm holding nothing back for me to get my life started. It's going to be me facing life, guns a' blazing, mentally flipping off the fucktards that doubt me now, or hell have ever doubted me. While I pull the life I've wanted to always live, off. And just be the survivor that I always have been. Even if it is during good or bad times? I am going to fucking survive, and just fucking show you all that I am not the fucking idiot that you've made me out to be.

I may be in chronic pain, and I may be legally blind. But you know something. I am still going to live my life- when, where, and how I want to.
So -raises middle fucking fingers- FUCK YOU! For not believing in me, for not ever listening, for not trusting me, and for ditching me when I am in need of friends and companions (not to mention some of you were like frigging family). I am not the bad guy that you've made me out to be all these years after me telling you to get a life, or to go away or to leave me the hell alone after you dissing my family that was here on the day of my brothers year mark death date when you wanted to throw me a belated fucking birthday party that you begrudgingly wanted to throw. Oh and for making me loose my frigging back bone, for making me feel even more used than what I was on the streets, for making me feel like your guy's bitch for the 3 1/2 years that I lived there.
So I'm being the bitch now. With one hell of a surviving, take no shit from no one attitude. I'm done pining for you people to come back to me because I feel bad. Why the hell should I? WHEN I DID NOTHING WRONG TO YOU! IT WAS ALWAYS YOU FUCKING FUCKTARDS (who yes maybe took me in) BUT ALWAYS TREATED ME LIKE FUCKING SHIT ON THE GROUND!

I'm going to end this note like this. I'm your bitch no more. And a bitch for myself only.
Goodbye, good luck, GOOD FUCKING RIDDANCE! May your karma come back and serve you well.
~c
 

Before I start all of this there is a back ground story.
There was a time that I cared about everyone and everything around me. There was a time that sure I was using drugs, and ended up using drugs again like a year and a half down the line. But that is not the point.
There was a time that in all the shit that I was doing to myself. That I was sleeping around with everyone to get the drugs that I wanted to pay for it. I ended up pregnant. There was my ex before Dot. That was going to claim it as his and help me take care of the baby. I stopped using, and the head honcho drug dealer that I HAD been sleeping with was not happy with that fact because I was like his sex goddess to him or something. But in the end he had pushed me down the stairs because I wasn't sleeping with him or using with him. (He was always abusive towards me, and he will be in jail for like forever for the amount of cocaine that he had on him, plus the abuse, plus the killing of my unborn child).
In short. My baby was killed. And 2 weeks later, I was sent my baby angel kitten- Pocky.
If they had both made it to this day? Those two baby angels would have made an awesome team to taking over my heart, life, and making me into a totally different person. Same attitude. Just a mom. And hopefully a kick ass one at that. One for a baby angel boy/or a girl, and a mom for a furry baby kitten. That would have just made a kick ass team...

Read on...
~~~~~~~~~

If I could go back in time to four years ago I would do a lot over again. I don't know if Pocky would have ended up being put down a couple days ago, or if I would have lost my friends, or if a lot of shit would have happened.
But if I could do a lot of frigging shit over again I totally would.

I can't though. And now I broken to bits over everything. It's like I am broken over everything that has happened over the past couple of years that has been happening that has either broke or down right killed me. And I am reliving it. The fact that I had to put Pocky down? Is down right killing me. She was my baby. My furry baby. Because it was 2 weeks later that I had gotten her after I had lost my baby. And now both are gone. She was sent to me... and now she is gone.

Gods be damned. I am alone now. No one understands the connection that Pocky and I had. She was my daughter in furry form. And now she is gone. If I have had my baby and had my baby kitten sent to me at the same time? They would have been a team at taking my heart over with healing love. And now both of them are gone. I would have been an awesome mother to the both of them. Blind or not? I would have done it. Chronic pain or not? I would have done it. And I would have enjoyed every damn moment with my daughters.
And now they're both gone. -sobs-
That's all I've got to say. That's all I can think to say. And that is all that is rolling through my mind.
~c